My "Arranged" Marriage

There comes a time in every Indian man's life when everyone around him, from his parents to his neighbor's dog, is worried about finding him the right girl. My time started when I turned 28. I was living far away from home in a small town in Ohio, USA. This worked in my favor by keeping me away from where the action was.
However, that did not stop my parents to start their "process". The "process" is nothing but a series of steps taken by Indian parents to ensure that their son/daughter gets the best spouse available in the market. Here are the steps


1. Advertisement
There is always one relative in the family who wants everyone over the age of 25 to get married. This particular relative has the powers to find a single boy/girl who belongs to the same community from anywhere in the country. Sometimes I wonder if such people have anything else to do at all. This relative will always be after the parents of any eligible bachelor/bachelorette asking them whether their child is ready to get married. The advertisement stage begins when the parents would give this relative the green light to proceed with their search. Then the wheels start churning and your profile (Photo, Education Details, Horoscope and a bunch of lies) would be circulated within your community. Your details would have reached far and wide without your knowledge. You might find your details on online matrimony sites, community magazines, newspapers etc. An utter breach of your privacy, but hey! it is India, nothing is ever private.


2. Filtration
This is quite a busy stage for the parents. Depending on the qualifications of the person, the responses to the advertisement would vary. Some parents spend days without getting a single response. In other cases, parents are inundated with responses. That's when the filtration begins. In most cases, following are the criteria used to filter out the responses
a. Appearance (Fair skinned yes, yes, yes. Dark complexion, let's think about this later)
b. Education Qualification
c. Family History/Background


Parents would filter out a much smaller list of prospects before informing their children. To do this, they would use all their connections (relatives, friends, detectives etc.) to find everything about those prospects and their families. Unfortunately, the person getting married is not involved in this stage and probably has no idea what is going on.




3. Meetings
Once the list has been confirmed, parents of each of the prospect are contacted. The two parents would end up talking about each others family and background. They would then decide on a location and time for the boy and girl to meet.


The setting up of the meeting ends the process for the parents. Now they go back to their respective children and disclose this master plan. The poor kids then swallow their shock and go and meet each other. The meetings are usually not more than an hour or two and are really awkward. However, when the kids return home, they are expected to decide on marriage. So on an average, a kid gets an hour to decide "Yes! I would want to spend the rest of my life with that person.". Imagine the pressure on those poor kids.




Back to my story, my parents did go through their "process" and did send me contact details for a few girls. Luckily, my parents are very liberal. I had made it very clear to them that if I am going through with this, I will not be talking to more than one girl at a given time. I had also told them that I need to know the person well before agreeing to get married. Reluctantly they agreed. Also, living on a different continent helped me a lot to do this on my terms.




For a whole year, I was able to avoid making a decision on marriage. I could sense that my parents were getting anxious but I was glad that they did not pressure me. As a result, I spoke to 3 or 4 girls, told them right away, I am not ready for marriage and they ended up becoming good friends. A close friend was getting married in January 2015 in India. I did not tell my parents that I would be flying down to India for the wedding hoping that I would catch them off guard and by the time they setup something I would be flying back to the US.




So as per my plan, I reached Mumbai at 1 AM on 10th of January and headed straight home. I woke up my parents in the middle of the night. They were shocked to see me there. After the excitement died down, we all went to bed. Next morning, I woke up around 8. Breakfast was served, and I was gorging on some awesome food when my mom told me, I have a meeting setup at 11 to meet this girl. I froze with shock. How could she have arranged all of this in such a short time? I was utterly baffled on the surface but deep down I was impressed by the efficiency and determination of my parents. That was checkmate for me, I couldn't run anywhere. Maybe it was the tiredness or jet lag, but I couldn't think of any reason to get out of that meeting. So I agreed and I met this girl. She was nice but I didn't find her interesting enough to continue talking to her. So I told my parents this wouldn't work. They were like, that's alright, we already have another meeting setup for next week. Boy! they are professionals.



So a week later, my mom and I rode an hour in a auto rickshaw to meet this family from Pune who had come down to Mumbai for a wedding. Their contingent had 6 people. The girl was accompanied by her parents, her dad's brother and his wife and her mom's brother. On my end, it was just my mom and I. The girl had a very cute and bright smile. She was very simple yet I could see a mischievous tinkle in her eyes. Due to the large gathering, I could only talk to her for 5 minutes. I ended up talking to her dad for most of the time. It was so awkward to talk to her  with all these people sitting right next to us. I ended up asking some stupid questions about work. Thank God she worked in Information Technology. That gave me something to talk about. The whole group chatted for about an hour before dispersing. On my way home, my mom asked me the usual question "So, what do you think about her?" I told her that I found this girl cute and I would like to know her better. I eventually decided to marry this girl. Her name is Vibha.




Luckily, my family had to go to Pune to attend a wedding the next week. My mom used this opportunity to setup a meeting with Vibha. This time I was able to take her away from everyone else. We stood by the food (Chaat) stall at the wedding and spoke for a while. The more I spoke to her, the more interested I was in her. She was so different from all the other girls in my life. She was simple, naïve yet feisty and mischievous. I was intrigued. I was supposed to fly back the next day so I told her lets spend some time knowing each other before deciding about marriage. She agreed and I headed back with the image of her smiling face.




Next day, I flew by to the US and our long distance phone calls began. We spoke almost every day. She looked at things in a completely different way. I loved that about her. In a month I decided that I was ready to marry Vibha. It has been 6 months since I have known her and every day I like her more.  My whole family has met her and they adore her. Before meeting her, I had this absurd list of things I would have liked in my "perfect" girl. I call that list absurd because looking back, I feel I was so immature to have such a list. With Vibha, I didn't have to think or analyze. It felt so normal to say, "Yes I want to spend the rest of my life with you". Usually, I would choke due to fear of commitment. But there is something special about Vibha that just made this decision super easy. In the end, I know we do have a long life ahead of us and we have to work together in making it successful, but with Vibha on my side, I have a real good feeling about the rest of my life.


 

I am a Runner !!

I am a runner and run I must
Until I die and turn into dust

I run after things, for love or lust
Leaving behind my dear ones whom i trust

I have a weight that I carry in my heart
It is regret for times with friends, I lived apart

I was bruised and battered by people who mattered 
They moved on with life but left me shattered

For whom do I run, I run for what?
All of which I get, in the end would be naught

The finish line is near but never will I reach it
I know it is a mirage you don't have to preach it

My eyes are getting dimmer but I will not stop
'coz I am a runner and run I must
Until I die and turn into dust

The Return !!!

May 6th 2009..... The last time i wrote something here. Frankly speaking it was also the last time I wrote something. This whole gap could be attributed to lack of time and motivation. However to tell the truth it was all because of my laziness.
One thing I have realized after working for nearly 2 years now is that corporate life is lazy and it always succeeds in rubbing off some laziness on you too. I am a victim of it. My mind revolts at the thought of doing something that isn't a part of my daily routine. It gives me hundreds of reasons for not doing anything extra and I must say the reasons are pretty creative and unfortunately most of the time convincing.
Lately lots of things have happened that made me realize that I am living a boring life which is a monotonous and uninteresting routine that I follow every single day. The zeal to pursue my hobbies and interests has disappeared somewhere. Every second day I plan and promise myself to do something new but I just don't do it. I found no answers when I searched for reasons that are responsible to this situation. In the end I realized that I am the culprit. I am responsible for everything thing that has happened. I let life, people and situations take control of me instead of the other way round. No one other than I can bring me out of this.
Yesterday a close friend Mithila called up and told me that she went through my blog and loved some of the posts. Then she asked me why haven't I written anything in the past year and a half and I had no answer. After the call I asked myself the same question and this post is the answer to that. From now on I won't PLAN, PROMISE or DECIDE. Instead I would simply DO because plans, promises and decisions usually do not succeed. This post marks my return to my interests and I would suggest you should also think about "The Return"

The Abyss

What is Abyss??

-- An immeasurably deep chasm, depth, or void.

But why am I interested in talking about it??

-- because it is related to each of us. There are many moments in our life when we find ourselves in an Abyss (I am in one right now). Frankly speaking it isn't an unfamiliar place but nevertheless it is pretty scary. Abyss is that time in life when we cannot see anything except uncertainty around us. It is that time when our future isn't in our control. But is our future ever in our hands?

I would definitely say Yes. My future is always in my hands. the only thing I need to do is to achieve what I want, from the place where I am. Confusing? to put it in straight words, Life would always put you in different situations. Sometimes you might be on top of the world and sometimes (like now for me) in an Abyss but no matter what you always have to keep your aim in front of your eyes.

As far as my Abyss is concerned, I am a little apprehensive about it. Tomorrow would begin a new journey on an unfamiliar road. I don't know where would this lead me. All I know I have to take this road and make it lead to things I have to achieve.

Its been very long since my last post. I didn't feel like writing anything. But today I needed some solutions to overcome my fear of the Abyss and this is the best place where I find all my solutions. Before writing this, I didn't know what to do, but now I can see light and the Abyss is no more scary

What if i can???

I don't want to save the world
I don't want to buy white pearls
I don't want to fulfill any need
All I want is to SUCCEED.

I don't want to own a car
I don't want to travel far
I don't want to do good deed
All I want is to SUCCEED.

Success..... What a beautiful word. Everyone wants to be Successful. But only few among us have the right to say "I am successful".Ever wondered what is it in those lucky ones that others don't have? I took some time out to do exactly that and came out with some ideas.
After a long research on this issue(that lasted for the past one hour), I came up with a term called as "What if I can" Attitude.

Some days back I had suggested a friend to pursue post graduation. My friend replied "I cant do it buddy! I don't think I am able enough".Most of us belong to the same category. Without even knowing what lies on the road to our destination we quit saying its not possible. Only the people who say "What if I can do it" actually succeed. The great inventors and discoverers were definitely of this breed. There were other people who consistently tried to prove these inventors wrong. However these achievers had the "What if I can" attitude that propelled them towards their achievements.

Upon facing a difficult challenge the easiest thing to say is "I cannot do it". Imagine if everyone does the same thing what would happen. We won't have heroes among us. Whom would we look up as our idols? We wont have any ambitions in life because fulfilling your ambition means facing difficulties and that cannot be done by saying "I cannot do it". But there are some among us who say "I can do it" and when others say "Its impossible for you to do it" these people say "What if I can". These few words can make all the difference between an average person and an achiever.

If "What if I can" is the first question you ask yourself before doing any seemingly difficult task then the last thing you say would be "Just did it".

Answers.....

We will hide bombs under your train seats and blow you off, what will you do?
We will blow up your market places while you shop, what will you do?
We will enter your houses and kill you all, what will you do?
We will walk out in the open and fire at you all, what will you do?
We will induce terror into your hearts, what will you do?

What are we doing after all? It began with the serial blasts, followed by the Hindu-Muslim riots. Then came a deluge of terror activities in our country.

Then came the Parliament attack. The prime accused was sentenced to death. Had he been in any other country except ours he would have been answering the Devil by now. But in our country we actually have people fighting to get him off the hook.

There was a train blast in Mumbai and people were back working the next day. We conveniently termed it as Mumbai's spirit. Whatever happens the Mumbai people are always back on tracks. But do they have a choice? It isn't the Mumbai spirit but it is the need for survival that makes them get back working.

We have been hit again and again. The boldest being this terror strike that is still going on as I write this post. Our country's weak response to terrorist has fuelled their audacity and look what is happening. A group of 10-20 terrorists are roaming in a busy city like mumbai and are shooting with AK-47s at anything that is moving.

I love my city and my country and it hurts to see it helpless in front of some cowards who call themselves jehadis. These sons of evil call themselves God's Army and are out to resurrect the world. All we need is our leaders should develop some balls of their own and muster courage to fight these people in their own land. We have fought enough on our side of the border. Its about time we uproot this tree of terror right from where it was sowed. Its time for our so called leaders to stop thinking about how to overflow their bank accounts and start working on how to finish the worst evil in the History of this Earth.

Unless this is done the only thing we would do is "Move on"

Later..........

Sometime ago......
Wow!! Nice goggles, whats the price??
Rs. 3500
Oh!! if i buy it now what will i do next month. How would I pay my rent?? How would I pay my phone bill?Lets forget it for now and buy it later.
Some years later....
Wow!! Nice bike!! oh 90000?? That would put my budget in deep trouble. I can buy it when I get my arrears. lets forget it for now and buy it later.
Somewhere else....
Nice dress!!! Oh whats the use?? I am getting married in 10 days. I cannot wear it after that. No point buying. Lets see if my husband is fine with it I will buy it later.
Year after year we keep having strong desires and we suppress them efficiently. All we do is satisfy ourselves by saying "lets buy it later" and eventually the "later" never comes.
I watched the movie Dasvidaniya today. It is about a guy who comes to know that he is going to die in 3 months and he sets out to fulfill all his wishes. Nice movie and I was deeply moved. I did identify with one thing that is killing our desires.
Life is so complicated. With so many things to do and so many people around us, we are always busy doing something or appeasing someone. Hardly anyone of us ever think what exactly do we want. Some fortunate souls do realise the things they want. But very few among them actually get their wishes fulfilled. Others usually put down their desires in big dustbin. People do come up with various but similar, reasons for not doing what they wish:
Its too costly......
Mom wont like it......
There is always time later in life....
What will people think.....
My girlfriend would get suspicious if i talk to you.....
etc etc.
We do fear lots of things and it is this fear that does not allow us to pursue our dreams. I have a friend. He was a great cricketer. A superb batsmen who could destroy any bowling attack in mumbai. His only weakness was that he was weak in studies. One day he got a call from an English county team to play for them. He asked his dad. Without considering for a minute his dad refused him. The reason given : If you don't succeed in it what will you do for a living. Stay here and study. I don't say his dad was wrong. He had full right to protect his child in case anything goes wrong. But what if, he had taken the risk. What if my friend would have become a great cricketer? Eventually my friend turned down the offer. He completed his 12th and is working somewhere but still loves to go and teach cricket to the young children.
What we don't realize is Life is unpredictable. You can get a supercomputer to plan out your life and still it wont be able to accurately predict the next second of your life. So if you have the capacity to fulfill your wishes, go ahead and do it. Worry about the consequences later. Actually you don't even need to worry about them. Nature has its own way of putting things in the right place in the end. The world follows such people because they are different. Such people are happy because by fulfilling their wishes they get rid of the frustrations of life. One word of caution though, what i intend to convey is fulfill your wishes and not do what you like. Doing what you like can turn u into a arrogant being. Fulfill those wishes that you have suppressed for some stupid reason. Don't wait till the end and say "I am dying and I haven't done anything I wanted to do".